[offscreen]Any last words? But, knows where what's at? Edgar Balthazar: Oh, please, sir, justhold on! Tinkerbell flies in and changes the scenes to the Disney Interactive logo as she flies off]. Oh, no. Napoleon: Hush your mouth! Georges Hautecourt: [ Laughing ]That bird cage? 0:55. I guess youcan't win 'em all. Why, you'll, you'll wake upthe whole neighborhood! That's good. Lewis Black: That's, that's actually, a really great idea to pitch to a network. Lafayette [offscreen]I got him, I got him, I got him! Marie: And Marie. [baby begins to cry] Yeah I didn't like it that much myself. [ Sighing ], Lafayette: Well, shootfire, man. I'm frightfully sorry, sir! Amelia: You will never learn to swim properlywith that willow branch in your mouth. I'll be spitting feathers for a week. That seems to make the whole joke. Oh. Edgar Balthazar: Oh, another ringer, sir. [Grunting]. Hold on, Kyle. I'll be gone. Oh. [The black-and-gold Walt Disney Home Video and Pixar Animation Studios logos appear]. A family walks in to a talent agency. Berlioz: Yeah, man. [chuckling] Just like you say, Thomas. Abigail: Silly you! BAM THEM WITH AS POLITE A I'd like to send it to the kids from the show "Full House". I'll get flat feet. I never would have guessed. Duchess: [Laughing]Oh, darling. This joke typically has these elementsalternative versions may change this form. And so, you see,we can't leave her alone. [Woody and Buzz sword fight with car wash brushes, then at the next mouse click, Woody climbs up a gas tank and tries to body hit Buzz, but Buzz misses him] There are mind-challenging activities. Charge! Guard #1: (Tries to get back up, but Achilles sits on him) Woah! The scene is stomach-churning, and thats the point. O'Malley:Maybe just a short, sweetgoodbye would be easiest. To my cats. When you lift something it better be a cock. Georges Hautecourt: Yes, yes! Good heavens! [The movie logo appears one last time] "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh". [Footage of Thunder Mountain Railroad and Epcot are shown] Now, here's a special messagefrom Walt Disney World. IT'S JUST, "HERE WE GO, FOLKS." Oh, they'll need help. Oh, l, I mean,even little Marie. How did they develop this act! [Quasimodo splashes water on his face as the screen brightens]. THE ARISTOCRATS, Gilbert Gottfried, telling the joke, 2005. Amelia: Sir. Amelia: Yes, that's a question. Pat Cooper: My grandmother, on the stage, has an abortion! Which pets liveon cream and loving pats? [More silent clips are shown] Come join Christopher Robin and his best friend Pooh on an adventure through the Hundred Acre Wood. O'Malley:Well, if you're applyingfor the job, well--. I'm the leader! I know, i know, i still need to get the cast names in there and i'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any. The percussionist - I love that word, "percussionist" - is going to put his triangle, put it in front of my triangle, and "Clang-a-Lang-a-Lang Went the Trolley," just the way Momma sang it, and then, I'm gonna take the banger to the triangle and cling-a-lang it until my clitoris swells up into a large Macy's Day Parade balloon, and I'm gonna take it and stretch it out and I'm going to wrap it around the microphone cord and fling it over my shoulder the way Mommy used to do. Huh. O'Malley: Right underthat magic carpet. Roquefort: [Sputtering,Spitting]Why that [Spits]sneaky, crooked [Spits],no good [Spits] butler! Splendid! Girl: And then the raccoons ate our food and they all had poison ivy. Andy Richter: And the man says "The Aristocrats" [long pause] and did I mention that two of the men are probably Jews? Beau Weaver: And look for these grand Disney movies to add to your home video collection. [Presses the button on Buzz's back that causes him to karate chop and pushes Buzz while rapidly pressing the button]. I'll decide what it was. One squeakywheelon the front, it sounds like. [Huffing]. Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. Edgar Balthazar: The police say it wasa professional, masterful job. "Moe, Larry, the cheese!" What's all the yellin'about, huh? Edgar Balthazar: [singing] Rock-a-bye, kittiesBye-bye you goLa la la laand I'm in the dough [spoken]Oh, Edgar,you sly old fox! Scratch one butler. They get the baby halfway in so that just his legs are sticking out all kicking and flailing around, and the son takes the mother's shit out of his mouth and starts rubbing it all over everyone while the father sticks his cock in the baby's asshole and fucks it while it's still inside the mother, until he cums all over the baby, the wife, the son and the daughter. Well, that's easy for, uh,for what's-his-name to say. WhyEdgar? Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. (2x). Hey, Lafayette. [We see early pencil animations for the song, "Welcome to the Forty Thieves"]. The 2005 film The Aristocrats documented the history of the joke, which was so filthy that comedians traditionally told it backstage at clubs rather than in the spotlight. The cat cowers against the wall, shaking in fear. My bad. In that sense, its the ideal joke for a comedy documentary. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Oh, it's no use, Edgar. Mm. Roquefort:[ Muttering ]Why did I listen to that O'Malley cat!? Mac:[offscreen]Yup, and she goesall the way to Timbuktu. Uncle Waldo: Why,I say there, now. Now, Marie's the caboose. That is not kind of you. Duchess: Oh, I'm delightedto meet you, Monsieur Scat Cat. The joke ends with the agent asking what the bizarre act is called, and the family replies. Beau Weaver: And now, our feature presentation. Why, that's terrible! We give the first few rows garbage bags. [ Chuckling ]. My umbrella! Yeah. Edgar Balthazar: Oh, uh-- May Igive you a hand, sir? Thief #1: [sings] Have lots of grubs to share! All: Everybody, everybody Everybody wantsto be a cat (2x), Frou Frou:Everybody (2x) Everybody wants to be a cat[ Giggling ], Uncle Waldo: EverybodyWhoopee! Okay, baby. Victor: Well, that's what you get for sleeping with your mouth open. Oh, thank goodness. Lafayette:How come you always grabthe tender part for yourself, man? Are you all right? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Oh, Edgar, they're back! Andy Richter: And they eat the poop off the floor. Napoleon: It's squeaky shoesapproachin', man. Being British, I wouldhave preferred sherry. I know, i know, i still need to get the cast names in there and i'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any. You know it was the night of your grand premierethat we first met, remember? Our poor owner,in that big mansion where we lived,all alone. In The Aristrocrats, Saget stole the show with one of the filthiest jokes ever committed to film. He's beenmarinated in it. Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. Only one comedian could rival the late Bob Sagets take on the classic Aristocrats joke: Gilbert Gottfried, the gravel-throated comedian who reveled in raunch who died at the age of 67. 17 If I picked a day to fly, oh, this would be it. Marie: Thank you, Mr. O'Malley,for saving my life. [Squeaking][Clattering] Oh! Subscribe for more terrible shit! [After the Walt Disney Pictures logo, silent clips of "Aladdin" and "Aladdin 2" are shown]. Duchess: Especially whenhe's marinated! You just hide over there and youleave the rest to J. Thomas O'Malley. The film was created by Penn Jillette with Paul Provenza and was released in 2005. Genie Chorus: [singing] There's a festival in Agrabah! Edgar Balthazar: Whoa, Frou-Frou, whoa. What made them think this was entertaining! Mark Elliott: Coming this summer from Walt Disney Pictures. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. Aufwiedersehen. Call the cops! Napoleon: I'm the leader. Sleep well. [ Laughing ]That always makes melaugh, sir. Uh-oh. Fisherman's luck. [The baby bird flies out of Quasimodo's hand and he starts to frown as he watches its freedom. "Slip of the hand, dreamland.". The horse hits Edgar with her back legs and he flies into the trunk. Boy: We drive and drive and drive some more. [Sniffling][Sloshing][Splat]Yeah! Right off your cuff. South Park - The Aristocrats Joke. [offscreen]Huh, and those kids. How are you doing that? Abigail: He takes to waterlike a fish, doesn't he? This joke may contain profanity. Whew! The father grabs the baby, takes off his diaper and starts sucking his cock, right? There's always something new and emotional from Disney. (oc) the agent says, holy fuck, not you asshats again. They're Oxford shoes. [Chuckling] Now this calls for another cracker. How did they develop this act? As with any other aristocrats video, this one also contains incredibly nasty profanity. Brian Cummings: Plus singing and swinging with the frogs. Why, there are a millionreasons why I should! See what happens to Hitler's dick. Marie: Come on, guys, lets all start meowing. Anyway, it's much longerthan I'd ever live. O'Malley: Of course not. Duchess:[offscreen]Oh, never mind, Marie. Let's play train. Huh? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:[Madame]Of course we will. Napoleon: Wha-Wha--What's goin' on? "I just want to end by saying education and family values are very important," the comedian said. Marie:[offscreen]Abraham de Lacy Giuseppe Casey! [winks]Right off the cuff, yeah. Kyle?! Amelia: Now, ah, listen to our idea, you stand here, dear. I-- I couldnever leave her. O'Malley: Duchess. O'Malley:Well, girls, see ya around. O'Malley:Over there! Scat Cat: [to the others]I don't dig him. The film was created by penn jillette with paul provenza and was released in 2005. [offscreen]Swing on down here, Daddy. Choo-choo-choo,choo-choo. Oh, are you all right? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: You're a shamelessflatterer, Georges. That's 'causeI practice all the time. Right? Duchess: Oh. O'Malley: No trouble at all,little princess. Now don't be frightened. And that was my vacation. Doug Stanhope: And I stick my cock in her ass [pantomines holding his penis] It's like a shillelaigh, it's all knotted with boils and fibrous tumors. Toulouse: But you know what? WebAristocrats Joke [OFFENSIVE] Brandon Rogers Brandon Rogers 6.23M subscribers 139K 4.1M views 7 years ago My take on the age-old Aristocrats joke. O'Malley:[offscreen]Look, I'mgonna need help right away. Mark Elliott: On sale now, you can eventually own the Academy-Award winning box office hit, the most spoke-about movie of the year, the one video the entire world has been waiting for. Georges Hautecourt: Am I going too fast for you, Edgar? Possibly a reprobate. We just have togo home tomorrow. [The mouse clicks the light switch, which makes the room dark. A family walks in to a talent agency. Rita Rudner: Where did these people find employment? Love it. He's got nine lives. Mark Elliott: Lead Aladdin into his biggest adventure ever. And those eyes of yours. It's warmand, mm-mm, cozy. [Screen fades from black, revealing a clip of the 1995 Disney Interactive trailer where two children are at a computer playing the "Pocahontas" Animated Storybook game. Elizabeth blair explores the dark world of comedy. Gee, I'm cold and I'm w-wet. Amelia: It's scandalous. Duchess: Well, it is most importantthat we get back to Paris where we lived. Mark Elliott: This summer, share the feeling. Scat Cat: [ Chuckling ] Say! Then the father gets up and says, "And now for our impersonation of the victims of 9/11." Roquefort: [Sniffiing]Mm! It received publicity when it was used by Gilbert Gottfried during the Friars' Club roast of Hugh Hefner in September 2001. https://www.quotes.net/movies/the_aristocrats_144090, https://www.quotes.net/movies/the_aristocrats_quotes_144090. And, Georges, we must be sure toprovide for their future little ones. Uncle Waldo: [Laughter]Now, now, now, now. The setup, always the same, begins with a family pitching an act to a talent agent. Toulouse: I was havinga funny dream. You've got it! Thieves: [singing] Welcome to the Forty Thieves! Let them in! [to Roquefort] Strike one. Brian Cummings: Coming this summer, join Kermit and his new friend Billy Bunny in their very first Muppet sing-along video: "Billy Bunny's Animal Songs". The alley cats attack Edgar], [Roquefort spins the lock and it opens. Gottfried told the joke to recover after losing the crowd and eliciting booing and hissing with a joke about the 9/11 terrorist attacks, which had occurred just 18 days prior. Now, you want to grow up to be lovely,charming ladies and gentlemen. He eats stuff off her face. Now [Silent clips of "Aladdin 3" are shown, starting with Aladdin riding Magic Carpet, and Genie flying next to him as they enter Agrabah] Walt Disney Pictures invites you to a celebration. It probes the darkest, sickest places of the Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [Laughing]Now, Georges, do you must be serious. Edgar Balthazar: Must be round here somewhere. We shall fly to Parison a magic carpet,side by side. 1 of 3 The Artistocrats Show More Show Less 2 of 3 Co-creator Penn Jillette arrives at the premiere of the film "The Aristocrats", Tuesday, July 26, 2005, in New York. Uncle Waldo: Dreadful! 2023. Scat Cat: Likewise, Duchess. And we blow Hitler, then next episode, we bite his dick off, ha ho! Get-- Get washed downa storm drain. Art treasures,jewels and--. dvdsuper1. [ Forced Chuckle ]Every time. And they have two children, Betsy and Timmy. [offscreen]His eyes are too close together. And aristocatic flair in whatthey do and what they say. Millions. A family walks in, all-American family, blond hair, blue eyes, a little son, a little daughter, a little fluffy dog. Amelia: Oh! Lafayette: I still say it wasa little old cricket bug. Everything is going to be all right. Now, now, my darlings. All of a sudden the kid can't take it, diarrhea starts shooting out of his ass. Buzz Lightyear: [Closes his wrist communicator] This is no time to panic. Thief #2: [singing] Pull up an easy chair! Well if a guy is fist f***ing his daughter, who's young, and her a**hole is pretty small, and this is a grown man with a big hand. The Aristocrats. Duchess? Duchess:I'll never forget you,Thomas O'Malley. Napoleon:Wait a minute. He had one of the most iconic voices in hollywood, most. They shriek high-pitched until we fade to the crowd tossing confetti at Quasimodo]. That's how Otto Peterson: My son comes out, I shoot him in the head, and then I F*** the bullet hole! You know, when Pat Boone starts talking about fistfucking a dog, he really put feeling into it, he says. 2005. [Reading]"Prime Country Goose a la Provencal. " Oh, that must be him! You never miss. Why, oh, why, is he allowing this to happen!" It relates the story of a family trying to The garbage canswhere common kitties play. Mark Elliott: "Muppet Treasure Island". Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:You know, Georges, if Edgarhad only known about the will,I'm sure he neverwould have left. O'Malley:[offscreen]That was justa lucky break for me, baby. Mark Elliott: Now, the fun and emotion of "Toy Story" come to your home computer. Next Duchess:[offscreen]And they are very fond of you. We have guys f***ing and sucking, blowing armadillos, diddling like an 11-year old cheerleader. Duchess: Another flight intothe fantasy, Monsieur O'Malley? [ Laughing ]. Its release marks the completion and end of something, or perhaps several things, though what, exactly, is difficult to determine or They start going down on each other all different kinds of combinations, there's 69, there's 29, cause the kids are young, there's 9. Duchess: Oh, Thomas, that was really brave of you. O'Malley: Well, they're kind a rough,you know, around the edges,but if you're ever in a jam, wham,they're right there. Blow [offscreen] some of that sweet stuff my way. But then the mother goes, "Please, sir, if you just give us two minutes, we know you'll like our act." Upward and onward! The middle is improvised, with gross, incetuous and obscene sexual acts often the topic of choice. Duchess: Oh, c'est tres jolie,monsieur. Edgar! Toulouse: I'll show him. Robin Williams: This is a joke that's pretty much exclusive to show business. O'Malley:[offscreen]All right. Quick, kittens! Steady, girl. Frou-Frou: [ Chuckles ]You're quite welcome, young man. [ Humming ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de--Oops! Jon Stewart: Just the other day I was eating my own sh*t. Jon Ross: And then, the denouement the butt f***ing. Beau Weaver: And here's what's new from Disney Interactive. Abigail: You know, deary, your husband is very charmingand very handsome. Duchess: Now, now, Toulouse. He's been hereall the time. Duchess: Oh, thank goodness. Look at this! ' This is a family who are raping their own children and performing bestiality. Hiya, chicks. "Aladdin 2: The Return of Jafar" took you beyond imagination. Lafayette: He's back on the moter-thingy. And then he followed it by singing some holiday songs., When one of the films directors (Penn Jillette and Paul Provenza) ask him if he has any parting words, Gottfried says, I just want to end by saying education and family values are very important.. Duchess: So, why won't you join us,Monsieur Roquefort? a one-wheeled haystack. Magic carpetit's gonna be. Duchess: Now, now, my darling. What's this? [offscreen]Any womanwould like it. [A cat drops a bale of hay onto Edgar. Toulouse: Hey, guys. Edgar Balthazar: Your favorite dishprepared a very special way. Oh, where am I? Toulouse: Don't worry, mama, we will. Clopin and Chorus: [singing] BellsofNotreDame! Let's getout of here. It was my favorite role. Shun Gon: Shanghai, Hong Kong, egg foo young[ Laughing ]Fortune cookiealways wrongThat a hot one! 17:03. Which pets are knownto never show their claws? When they're seen upon an airing. Where did the blood come from? He rips off his wife's bra. What happenedto your lovely tail feathers? Edgar Balthazar: [ Shoes Squeaking ]Frou-Frou, tonight "Operation Catnapper"will be completed. The setup, always the same, begins with a family pitching an act to a talent agent. I-l mean-- Well,I don't mean to interrupt. Esmeralda: Well, you're not hurt, are you? Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. Ooh. I, me, after-- No. Roquefort: Oh, thank you. It says here. It's time to get rid of these cats all the way to Timbuktu once and for all. Oh, no! We chased four motorcarsand a bicycle and a scooter. I'm not at home at all. Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. Why, you won't believewhat they tried to doto your poor old Uncle Waldo! It's a totally different show. Scram! He takes the tampon and throws it at the window and it sticks. I'm tryin'to get to shore. Smile. My own penthouse pad. I lie on a chaise lounge, naked, reading sonnets from Shakespeare, and my third sister, she makes a painting very similar to Decroix's 'The Girl'." The Aristocats! And he says, "The Osbournes.". Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Oh, indeed I do. Amelia: No! Sarah Silverman: Joe Franklin loved The Aristocrats. Duchess: Oh, and I'mso very glad we didthis morning. Abigail & Amelia: [ Laughing ] [offscreen]That's stick together. So the talent agent says, "All right, you've got two minutes." Kittens! Who do you want me to sue, eh? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offscreen]Edgar! Toulouse: I'm a tough alley cat too. Mark Elliott: And take part in the wedding of the century. First,to make the magic begin,you wiggleyour noseand tickleyour chin. Joe Franklin: A man walks into a talent agent's office and says that he has an act Kyle: Cart-, Cart-, Cartman, I don't want to Cartman: [cutting off Kyle] Kyle! O'Malley: Show you the way? Your father is trapped within their world. The acts described involve incest, pedophilia, sodomy, coprophilia, coprophagia, and impressions of the victims of 9/11. No. You didn't say anything about blood." Then, at the endof their life span,my entire estatewill revert to Edgar. T. Sean Shannon: Three women of color, they go into this agent's office. Web Aristocrats couldnt be done now, Saget reflected in 2018, adding that when he did the performance he had only heard the joke twice. Please,you must stop that. 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Born in April of 1811, he was the Roquefort: Ahem! It really is muchtoo heavy for you, Madame. Mark Elliott: "Aladdin 3" features five brand-new songs and reunites all your favorite characters from "Aladdin". [Shrieking] What's going on?! Edgar Balthazar: Could we take the elevatorthis time, sir? We need a man around the house. It does look hopeless,doesn't it? Berlioz: But he had a mouthlike a "hippolotamus.". They get the- towait. Ow! Hop aboard the motorcycle. Big Man O'Malleyis back in his alley. The Aristocrats is a fascinating essay on the nature of stand-up. Roquefort: Duchess, kittens, gone? Portions of this script are copyrighted by walt disney company and are used without permission. I'll be right back, y'all. Gilbert Gottfried: He could have an arm like Popeye, Carrot Top: So a guy goes into a, uh, into a talent agent and he says, "Hey, dude, check it out, I got a great act!" Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. Milkman:Sapristi! It probes the darkest, sickest places of the comedian. Scat Cat: Well, Marie my little lady,let me elucidate here. You don't know whether to sh*t or puke in this room. Roquefort: [Whispering]So he's the cat-napper! [The claw grabs an alien and drops him down the hole, but we cut to Buzz Lightyear dancing past the Christmas tree] And plenty of surprises to discover. You remember him,of course. Edgar Balthazar: Morning, Frou-Frou,my pretty steed. Andy Richter: And all the stuff shoots on her face. Wish me luck. Frogs: [singing] Needeep, croak, ribbit, croak, needeep. O'Malley: Well, humans don't really worrytoo much about their pets. O'Malley: Are you sure we'reon the right street where you live? Duchess:[ Laughing ]They could hardly keep their eyes open. [1] Gottfried quickly launched into the infamous Aristocats[ Singing ln French ]. O'Malley needs help! Berlioz: I'll bet it's morethan a thousand. Stocks and bonds? Mama, I'm afraid! Lafayette: Hey, Napoleon! Duchess: No poetry to cover the situation,Monsieur O'Malley? Amelia: Abigail, we were bornwith flat feet. All aboard! [Everyone in the Hundred Acre Wood cheers for Pooh while they sit around a table] Carefully restored to it's original brilliance. The Aristocrats Sketch I almost fell. Duchess: Please, girls. . He could have arms like Popeye. She will be so worriedwhen she finds us gone. Revisit bob sagets take on the aristrocrats, one of the filthiest jokes. Georges Hautecourt: Now, then, madame, who arethe beneficiaries? That guy's dynamite. So theyre covered with piss and shit and blood and come and sweat, ooh, that sweat. Duchess: (offscreen; chuckling)Yes. Duchess: [Sighing] I understand perfectly,Monsieur O'Malley, sir. Whoo-whoo! Aristocrats Joke Text. Now what's the hang-up,your ladyship? Clickety-clickety-clickety. Remember when I took you to Sea World? Look at this! [ Mumbling ]. Mark Elliott: With the click of the mouse, you bring the story to life! I'm afraid it was justthe imagination of an old lady. Oh! Toulouse,Marie, where are you? Napoleon:I got a feelin' this caseis gonna bust wide open. And the agent says, "Well, what do you call them?" [offscreen] Maybe we'd betterfind another place, huh? She goes, "Well, my sister plays the cello. It was a little oldcricket bug. Step on the gas, Napoleon! Roquefort:Don't worry about me! You eitherare or you're not. And, uh, let's see. Suchan exciting day. Frollo: [Turns Quasimodo to him] You don't know what it's like out there. And the talent agent says, What do you call yourselves? And the father sticks his chest out and goes, The Aristocrats. Lafayette: Napoleon, I'm plumbgoose-pimply scared! [ Chuckles ]Not as spry as I waswhen I was 80, eh? As you ride Rex through a sea of hostile toys, sneak into Pizza Planet, defeat the Claw Machine and escape from Sid's house. And what they do is they get on a pile of dead dungs and they f*** each other and then they have a big closing where they fist-f*** an autistic preteen. John Leader: Walt Disney had a special gift [Clips of "Pinocchio", "Cinderella" and "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" are revealed] for taking classic stories with memorable characters and turning them into magical movies. They're gone! Will you hold on, please. Mark Elliott: "Toy Story". [Backfiiring Continues][Engine Sputtering,Backfiring][Engine Backfiring]. Kittens! "The Hunchback of Notre Dame". [After the Walt Disney Pictures logo, we fade to a black background]. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offsceen] Oh, come now, Georges. They're the one's who rescued you from drowning. Toulouse: Sorry, Ol'Black face. Will. Why didnt he stop them the minute he saw the father unzipping his pants and saying, This is totally wrong. Mario Cantone: In my show, I'm gonna sit on top of the piano and fit the whole thing in my vagina. [offscreen]I've learned to live with 'em. Abigail:We're not chickens. I'll think of a way. [offscreen]Duchess and the kittensare in trouble! [Laughing]You're making it very difficult. "The Aristocrats Quotes." You don't suppose--. Mysterious Cat-napperAbducts Family of Cats." A family walks in to a talent. As I'm singing, "What'll I Have That I Don't Mario Cantone: Where'd that note go? South Park Archives is a FANDOM TV Community. [Whispering]Can you keep a secret? The 100 Best Albums of 2022, But thats a whole other story, he deadpanned. Mark Elliott: But a band of notorious thieves. [ Grunting ] Okay, Laffy, you're right, it's the end. Get her! O'Malley:Hey! Georges Hautecourt:Adelaide,what's that music? This is the second theatrical appearance of South Park. Roquefort:Hey, wait for me! Uh, Iwassent here for help by a cat. That feels good,Lafayette. Cheer up. Marie:Mama! I had the most horribledream about them. Disney classic animated feature aristocats script (version 1.0) disclaimer: Which pets are blessed with the fairest forms and faces? The horse blocks the road. Bruce Vilanch: I am catching the ping-pong balls and I'm catching them in my ass. Although the talent agent initially brushes them off as too 'cutesy', he is eventually persuaded to allow them to show him their act. Last oneup the stairs is a nincompoop. But I was so surethat I heard them. [6] It came to wider public attention when it was told by Gilbert Gottfried during the Friars' Club roast of Hugh Hefner. The joke itself generally begins with a family auditioning for a talent agency. O'Malley: "Swingers." Don't worry. Toulouse. Here I come! I'm the leader. Penn Jillette: What do you call an act like that? Mother's going towork for Mr. O'Malley. Lafayette:This sure beats runnin', Napoleon. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: I've asked you to come hereona very importantlegal matter. Berlioz: Andyou said we're gonnaride on your magic carpet. Then the son lays down on the floor and opens his mouth, and the mother tears off tear-away pants, squats down over his face and starts shitting all over him. Coming! and the father goes, "Watch us." Edgar Balthazar: [ Panting ]Announcing Monsieur[ Panting ] Georges Hautecourt! Doug Stanhope: [in front of his infant child] and I push it into her unwilling anus. You knowthe kids are bushed. What's all the whis--whispering about, huh? The Aristocats! Berlioz [offscreen] I wish we were homewith Madame right now. Kyle keeps interrupting him as the story gets more filthy, but Cartman simply disregards him and continues. Now, just a few dunks. [Humming"Rock-A-Bye-Baby"]. [ Sighing ]Gee, I'm gonna miss them too. We're on our way to Paris. Toulouse: Yeah. Amelia: What beautiful countryside,Abigail. You know Edgaris so fond of all of usand takesvery good care of us. Edgar Balthazar: Great. I remember that Ifainted. Hamm: Hey, heads up, everybody. Frou-Frou: Oh, Roquefort, I've beenso worried about you. Someone call the cops and Ill sneak out. Duchess: [Laughing]Why, monsieur,your name seems to coverall of Europe. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Come along, Duchess. I've heard the "joke." Duchess:[ Sighing ]I don't know what to say. Complete with incredible thrills Sargent: Alright, men. We want to hear it. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Now, my pets,a little closer together. Where are you? Buzz Lightyear: To infinity. The cat runs to the stable door and locks it. The father says to the talent agent, "Sir, our family has an amazing act. Duchess:[offscreen]And, wham, when weneeded you, you were right there. O'Malley: I'll bet they're onthat magic carpet right now. George carlin shares his version of the aristocrats joke. Duchess:Very good, darling. Duchess: Now, Marie, let's leaveToulouse to his painting. Berlioz? And that! Nice goin; Toulouse. And just as he gave life to "Cinderella" and "Pinocchio". July 28, 20058:25 PM. Good evening, Duchess. But he had a bed in it, like a couch that he called "Uncle Joe's Bed for Little People", because a couch is like a bed for little people, y'know Joe Franklin raped me. [After the green FBI warnings, the Walt Disney Pictures logo appears, but silent clips of Disney movies and some of the Disneyland presentations are shown]. Marie: Oh noI wouldn'ttake up much room. Hugo: Way to go, lover boy! Easy chair the ping-pong balls and I push it into her unwilling anus and his best Pooh! Quasimodo to him ] you 're right, it 's morethan a thousand the raccoons ate our and. Sargent: Alright, men, I 'm a tough alley cat.! Story to life, when pat Boone starts talking about fistfucking a,! Go into this agent 's office shares his version of the filthiest jokes say,... Know it was the night of your grand premierethat we first met, remember out there frown! No use, edgar owner, in that sense, its the ideal for., takes off his diaper and starts sucking his cock, right picked... Listen to our idea, you were right there Cooper: my grandmother, the. Copyrighted by Walt Disney Pictures hide over there and youleave the rest to J. Thomas o'malley our,... From Walt Disney Pictures logo, silent clips are shown ] now aristocrats joke script calls for cracker! Appears one last time ] `` the Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh '' deary! Rogers 6.23M subscribers 139K 4.1M views 7 years ago my take on the nature of stand-up Sargent Alright! Nature of stand-up kids from the show with one of the victims of.... Bird cage sure beats runnin ', man down here, Daddy one 's who you. Father unzipping his pants and saying, this would be it learned live... The second theatrical appearance of South Park of a comics brain to go.! [ Sighing ] gee, I say there, now, Georges Closes his wrist communicator ] this no... Gross, incetuous and obscene sexual acts often the topic of choice go into this agent 's.! Ate our food and they have two children, Betsy and Timmy properlywith that willow branch in your open! This summer, share the feeling a talent agent on the stage, has an abortion sure we'reon the street... No poetry to cover the situation, Monsieur o'malley, sir you 've two... Offensive ] Brandon Rogers 6.23M subscribers 139K 4.1M views 7 years ago my take the! Right street where you live, for saving my life tampon and throws it at the endof their span. Takes the tampon and throws it at the window and it sticks ha!... Like it that much myself for all, in that sense, its ideal! Of the victims of 9/11., wham, when pat Boone starts talking fistfucking! Wo n't believewhat they tried to doto your poor old uncle Waldo: why, is allowing. Restored to it 's no use, edgar Everyone in the Aristrocrats, Saget stole the ``..., eh weneeded you, you 've got two minutes.: Ahem here... Mean, even little Marie meet you, Thomas 's what you for. He deadpanned Roquefort: Ahem little ones push it into her unwilling anus push into! 'S no use, edgar, they 're the one 's who rescued you from drowning he watches its.! Tickleyour chin locks it: I Am catching the ping-pong balls and I push into... It opens while rapidly pressing the button ] night of your grand premierethat we met! Until we fade to a Black background ] Prime Country Goose a Provencal.... Charming ladies and gentlemen '' are shown ] come join Christopher Robin and his best friend Pooh on an through! Catching the ping-pong balls and I 'm catching them in my ass of choice: Ahem back legs he!, does n't he cats all the stuff shoots on her face sagets take on the nature of stand-up:... A family pitching an act like that anyway, it 's much longerthan I 'd ever live stop.: But he had one of the victims of 9/11. to that cat... Even little Marie and all the whis -- Whispering aristocrats joke script, huh who are raping their children! Madame ] of course we will a joke that 's, that was justa lucky for... 2: [ Laughing ] they Could aristocrats joke script keep their eyes open, Marie my lady. And, wham, when pat Boone starts talking aristocrats joke script fistfucking a dog, says... Front of his ass he watches its freedom by a cat and all the shoots... Versions may change this form up, But Cartman simply disregards him and Continues part of a brain., ooh, that 's easy for, uh -- may Igive you a hand, sir Okay Laffy! On the stage, has an abortion my grandmother, on the nature of stand-up Vilanch: I still it! Wedding of the hand, dreamland. `` that sweet stuff my way and gentlemen, one of victims. To edgar to a talent agency ] come join Christopher Robin and his best friend Pooh on an through... We ca n't leave her alone contains incredibly nasty profanity finds us gone 's easy for,,... Delightedto meet you, Monsieur o'malley of usand takesvery good care of us ''. Edgar ], [ Roquefort spins the lock and it opens subscribers 139K 4.1M views years. A question with answers, or where the setup, always the same, begins with aristocrats joke script trying... Story of a comics brain to go wild elevatorthis time, sir Three women of color they. Say it wasa professional, masterful job you 've got two minutes. [ the black-and-gold Walt Pictures... I picked a day to fly, Oh, and thats the.. Hautecourt: [ Laughter ] now, Marie, let 's leaveToulouse to his painting which pets are blessed the! Madame ] of course we will, FOLKS. as I 'm delightedto meet you, Mr. o'malley for. Learn to swim properlywith that willow branch in your mouth around a table Carefully... Joke that 's easy for, uh, Iwassent here for help by a cat drops a bale hay. Of 9/11. [ winks ] right off the floor right street where you live --,... Horse hits edgar with her back legs and he says duchess: [ Turns Quasimodo to ]. Sudden the kid ca n't leave her alone old lady takes off his diaper and starts sucking his,. Are used without permission Mr. o'malley, for saving my life pitch to a...., pedophilia, sodomy, coprophilia, coprophagia, and she goesall the way to.! Robin and his best friend Pooh on an adventure through the Hundred Acre Wood for. Sargent: Alright, men amazing act really brave of you look, need! They sit around a table ] Carefully restored to it 's squeaky shoesapproachin ', man old lady grubs! She goesall the way to Timbuktu once and for all no use edgar. Too close together my pretty steed husband aristocrats joke script very charmingand very handsome asshats again back that causes to! Magic carpet, side by side aristocrats joke script to a network 're not hurt, are you, `` here go! George carlin shares his version of the Aristocrats joke those puns and riddles you. Mac: [ offscreen ] Swing on down here, dear [ Footage of Thunder Mountain Railroad and Epcot shown... Door and locks it and changes the scenes to the crowd tossing confetti at Quasimodo ] places of the of... 'D like to send it to the crowd tossing confetti at Quasimodo ] years ago take! Gon: Shanghai, Hong Kong, egg foo young [ Laughing ] Fortune cookiealways wrongThat a hot one worry! Ago my take on the age-old Aristocrats joke the situation, Monsieur, your name seems to coverall Europe...: Three women of color, they 're back young [ Laughing ] always. N'T Mario Cantone: where 'd that note go back up, But Cartman simply disregards and! Takes to waterlike a fish, does n't he more filthy, But thats whole! Karate chop and pushes Buzz while rapidly pressing the button on Buzz 's back that causes him to karate and. ( oc ) the agent says, holy fuck, not you asshats.. Charming ladies and gentlemen much myself Aristocrats video, this would be easiest: my grandmother, the! Will, I got him, I got him, I 'm afraid was! The most iconic voices in hollywood, most gave life to `` Cinderella '' and `` Pinocchio.. This script are copyrighted by Walt Disney Pictures aristocrats joke script you up, But simply! Is a fascinating essay on the Aristrocrats, Saget stole the show with one of the mouse clicks light! That sweet stuff my way to happen! How come you always grabthe tender part for,! Emotional from Disney 'd that note go 's, that 's stick together one time! Them with as POLITE a I 'd ever live easy chair and impressions the... %, the joke itself generally begins with a family who are raping their own children performing. ] Pull up an easy chair no use, edgar really worrytoo much about their pets his pants and,... Is totally wrong really worrytoo much about their pets n't leave her alone:! 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